What can you do when you feel like you want to be alone to deal with things?
You get worked up from all the thoughts swimming around, and then you just isolate yourself without even noticing.
Then you realise you are alone, and you start to blame everyone else for not being there - when in reality it's actually your fault for pushing them away to start with.
It is hard to admit sometimes, but it’s true.
I can be happy one minute and then the next I'm just overthinking, and getting either wound up about something or getting sadder and sadder. You start to think of who you used to be in the years before this monster showed itself.
I was a happy person, I’m not saying I was smiley, but hey I was happy with my life and I was a free spirit.
That all changed after having a baby at 16; the father was abusive and controlling, I’ve spent the last seven years trying to get him out of my life, I even let him take our baby in the beginning because I was that determined to get away from him.
I had no help, and I wouldn’t have coped with a baby at 16; I was still a baby myself and mental health wasn’t something you talked about at my young age, nor was asking for help, that was "shame".
I let it all fall apart; I started drinking everyday all day, I managed to find something that drowned it out completely. But it didn't work forever - as soon as the body sobered up, the thoughts and feelings came straight back and I was left feeling lower, realising what I was doing to myself.
How do you slow down a merry-go-round without putting your feet out and feeling pain along the way? You can't, unless there's a help button - but nobody responds when the button is pushed. They wait until you self destruct and lose everything, then pretend to care once you've hit the ground.
If the content on this website is distressing or triggering, or, if you are worried about your or someone else's mental health, we have provided in contact details below for you to speak with a professional. If you or someone else is in danger or endangering others, call the police immediately on 111.
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor (available 24/7)
• LIFELINE: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• SUICIDE CRISIS HELPLINE: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
•WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757