My life, in numbers:
37 years on this planet
19 years sick.
19 different medications,
8 emergency department visits
1 stay in respite
11 psychologists, counsellors, OTs
4 different types of therapy
17 years of self harming
Number of scars people see: 28
Number they don't: 20
Number of times I've walked into the ocean to see if I'd be able to go that way: 1 (but been bloody close 2 other times)
Last overdose: 3 months ago
Suicide notes written: 2
2 suicide attempts
Longest time without a shower: 4 weeks
Current time without one: 10 days
Number of times a day I hate my body: dozens
Number of years I experienced being an adult before I got sick: 0
Friends lost: many
Number of times I've been in love: 0
Years of unemployment: 5
18 years of obesity
One night stands: 25
Number of marriages & children: 0
4: the number of physical health problems caused/exacerbated by me not taking care of myself/treating my body badly, due to my mental illnesses
Chance of pregnancy: 0
Nights per week I sleep free from anxiety & bad dreams: 0
Number of lies told & secrets kept: thousands
Hours of feeling shame: hundreds & hundreds
Number of times a day that loneliness chokes me from the inside out: Many
How often I want to rip off my skin because some part of my brain tells me that'll mean I'm not this wretched person anymore: Daily
However small, minute, or miniscule it is, it seems that on every one of these days & through every single one of these devastating lows I have found a reason to go on. Or maybe just not a good enough reason to do myself in. Either way, I'll take it. And when I can, I make something more of it.
My advice to those suffering: be open, in some way, whether it be through talking or touching someone/something, feeling fresh air or sun, or splash water on your face, try to do something that pulls your attention away from that stuff in your head, even if it's for a minute. Mental illnesses hijack you and they lie.
You are more than they say.
Advice to everyone else: be kind and reach out, even in tiny ways, because a little thing could mean the world to someone; don't be afraid to ask a person how you can help them/ease the chatter in their head etc., you don't need to know how to 'fix' anything.
Ask us what we need/want.
If the content on this website is distressing or triggering, or, if you are worried about your or someone else's mental health, we have provided in contact details below for you to speak with a professional. If you or someone else is in danger or endangering others, call the police immediately on 111.
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor (available 24/7)
• LIFELINE: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• SUICIDE CRISIS HELPLINE: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
•WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757